I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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