i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
