I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
