Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
