Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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