I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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