the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
