I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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