Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
