That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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