I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it's great music for shaving your balls
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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