I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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