omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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