I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So much Jack, so little girl.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
