I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
