I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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