This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
