i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
