I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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