mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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