Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
