Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
