Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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