Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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