drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
