pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I accidentally had phone sex last night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
