I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
