went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
