READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
