He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Welp...herpes.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
