I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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