he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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