Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
