True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
