I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
