...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
