i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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