no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
