If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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