i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
