I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I met the friendliest cop last night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
