just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
