i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
