I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
