I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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