I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
the raccoons are back...
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