sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
