i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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