Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
