this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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