I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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