JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
