come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
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I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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