this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
