God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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