Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
