If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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