a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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