I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
