I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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