Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
