She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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