I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
